My name is Adrianne Rabensburg. I’m a Jesus loving, happily married, mother to three wonderful children. I don’t deserve any of them, but am blessed to have them, and covered by grace.
I also struggle with anxiety and depression, and I have no reason to have that either.
I have a great life. I have great parents. I grew up in a wonderful home. I don’t suffer, or want for anything….I never have.
Unfortunately, I know what it feels like to suffocate in wide open spaces. I know that my tears run hotter than my shower’s water. I also knew how to “fake it until I make it,” until one day I couldn’t.
After months of this feeling (and 20lbs heavier), I swallowed the pride pill, and made an appointment to the doctor.
I sat in that waiting room across from an elderly man also waiting to be seen. I was sweating, shaking my crossed legs, and being overly friendly because people smile back at smiling people. I didn’t want anyone knowing I was an unnecessarily, unhappy person.
The nice nurse called my name. She had a very pretty smile, and was so friendly….I just felt like we were friends walking to the examination room. She didn’t know why I was there yet, so I wanted to make the “I’m not crazy” first impression, so I laid on the happy-go-lucky sauce pretty thick.
She weighed me (as if I wasn’t depressed enough…lol), took my temperature (99.8). I’m not sure why it was running hot, but I think it was my nerves.
We sat down, me against the wall, her facing me to my side, as she pulled up my chart. She began to prepare to take my blood pressure and heart rate.
FINALLY, A TEST I CAN PASS!!!! Weight and temp…..FAIL.
She hooked me up to a machine, and I uncrossed my steadily shaking legs. ***I’ve got this…I thought***
After she pushed the start button on the monitor, she asked me why I was being seen that day (insert nervous laughter). “Well, (giggle) I think…….BEEP…….BEEP……BEEP……(the heart monitor begins to make noises I had never heard before). The once smiling nurse, gets up and checks to make sure it’s all hooked up properly and it is adequately checking my pulse. The beeping noise doesn’t stop….(insert tears).
I finally answer her question, realizing the source of the beeping…..”I’m here because I think I might have anxiety”….
HEART RATE BEGINS TO SKYROCKET……”Well, I guess there’s no more faking it until I make it”……It is loud, concerning, and confronting me head on! (Insert hyperventilation)
I’M HAVING A FULL BLOWN, NON-RESTRICTED PANIC ATTACK!
“Adrianne, I just need you to breathe”…..
I thought I was breathing….in fact, I know I was. I was over compensating my breathing, and over-doing it much like I had been previously in the waiting room in front of the elderly gentleman. I continued to smile, like nothing was wrong, to give the impression that I was happy (hiding how I felt inside).